Relationship Repair

Love and Money

2009-07-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

Love and Money: How love can last
through these troubled economic times.

Turn on the television or radio, read a newspaper or blog and you’ll get bombarded with messages about something that you may already know: we are in an economic slump. The relationship between love and money is challenging during the best of times. With rising unemployment, unmanageable debt, and no new credit to speak of, it is understandable to question whether or not love can survive through these troubled economic times.

Most couples imagine that if they made more money, their money troubles would go away. They do not. The problems often become more expensive. So even if you and your partner make loads of money, why is it that you can still have so many conflicts around money? Let’s take a look.

I love you...I hate you...Your always there...You’re never around...

What is your relationship with money? Is money a kind friend or something that you only think about when it’s time to pay the bills? Picture the family you grew up in, what did you learn about money from the way your parents or caretakers managed money?

It is important to understand your own relationship with money. Ask yourself:

● Am I a spender or a saver?

● Do I spend more if I am bored, angry, or depressed?

● What did I learn about money when I was growing up?

● Do I think focusing on money is “self-serving” or “greedy”?

● What is the primary feeling I have when I think about money?

Compare your answers to these questions with your partner’s answers. Are they same or very different?

Not Every Dollar has the Same Value

In any healthy relationship, there is a pattern of harmony and disharmony between all the working parts, and your relationship with money is no different. Problems arise not only in your own relationship with money but also because your partner has his or her unique relationship with money that may or may not be compatible with your own.

Relationship with Money: Five key elements.

Directing – how you manage taking care of your money as it comes in and goes out. This includes everyday emotional and intellectual choices about spending, paying bills, tracking deposits, balancing the checkbook, and keeping a budget.

Spending - how you spend your money, daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly.

Earning - how you earn money.

Saving - how much money you hold onto.

Investing – how you get your money to make you money.

We all have attitudes about money that may hurt our ability to make wise decisions. Ask yourself:

● If there isn’t ever enough money, how do I save and invest?

● Do I manage my money, or is my spending or saving causing me to spin out of control?

● Even though I save will there ever be enough money?

● Do I tend to over spend which causes me to under save and invest?

● Do I want to make more money so that I don’t have to examine or change my relationship with money?

Why We Fight Over Money

Many fights take place not because of the amount of money spent, but because of the expectations couples have that they never really talk clearly about. Whether it's conflicting styles, or misaligned agendas, couples get rooted in their individual beliefs about money. These views make it difficult to see that their partner simply has a different history and relationship with money.

As unusual as it may sound, couples don’t fight about money per se.
5’s,10,’s, 20’s...are all just pieces of paper. That’s it! It’s all about
what money REPRESENTS.

Money can represent power, a high or low self-worth, safety, and love. Put two people together with different ideas about money, and you have an unavoidable recipe for conflict. Here are some key reasons couples fight about money:

Daily Financial Decisions

Since financial decisions have to be made almost daily, they can be a frequent source of disagreement. Let’s face it managing money can feel like a burden.

Power and Control

When it comes to money, one partner may be more focused on saving every penny while the other is focused on spending every penny. Both
the saver and the spender often view money as a means of control and may believe that the person making or holding the most money has the last word on financial decisions. Buying into the idea that money equals power in a marriage can only cause greater conflict.

Keeping Secrets, Financial Infidelity

What information about money do you keep hidden from your partner? Many couples that I see in my practice report that they didn’t fully talk about the dept they were carrying into marriage. This means they never talked about income, debt burden, student loans, inheritance, savings and credit status. Without full and open financial disclosure couples engage in maintaining secrets in the relationship that are damaging to the glue, which is trust, that holds the relationship together.

Hiding leads to disconnection, dis-connection leads to resentment, resentment leads to unresolved conflict. Unresolvable conflict leads to divorce.

Poor Communication

Couples are often afraid to talk about money. They fear that major changes may come; they will feel deprived, or that the conversation will erupt into a huge fight.

When fights about money come up between you and your partner, it is always good to ask yourself: “Are we still talking about money, or is the real issue something else?” If you find yourself at an impasse over money issues, consider consulting a counselor who can help you deal with financial and communication problems.

Navigating the Rough Waters Ahead

Relationships are facing more and more stress during this economic slump. Many relationships are seriously hurting because it is often difficult to adjust our lifestyle as quickly as salaries are declining. The hope is that our partner will provide a safe place to fall... a place to de-stress and be soothed…especially in such troubling economic times. Yet sometimes that isn’t the case in our love relationships.

Here are a few tips on keeping your connection strong while handling economic stress:

The Precious Present: Focus on today, right now this moment. Future thoughts create anxiety and stress because of the unknown. Be mindful not to get caught in that trap. Keep your mind on what you have now and what you are doing now.

Free Date Nights: Make your relationship a priority and schedule date nights. Be creative in finding ways to connect with one another without spending any money. Embrace the frugal “less is more” lifestyle. Visit frugal living sites like Frugalliving.com on the web and see what you two come up with!

Create a Plan Together: One of my favorite sayings is “life hands us many opportunities to act without a plan (which can be very stressful) so when you can plan...Do!” Creating financial, work, life, or stress management plans helps to create a sense of direction and lowers anxiety. Sit down with your partner and make a plan together.

Talk to Each Other: Difficult times often cause couples to isolate themselves from one another and keep quiet for fear of rocking the boat any further. During tough times it is more important than ever to keep the lines of communication open. It is okay to be fearful or upset…so hold onto one another, face the struggles together and talk. Getting confirmation that you aren’t alone can ease the stress and make the obstacles more manageable.

Take a Helping Hand: Money issues are often ongoing problems that need management and solutions. Seeking the help of a counselor before it becomes a reason for divorce is worth the effort. It just might save your relationship.

If you would like to talk about how I can help your relationship give me a call at
847 266-8484.

Recovering From an Affair

2009-03-31T07:01:00.000-07:00

Infidelity is more common than most people realize. In fact, it is estimated that roughly 50% of men and 40% of women today will have an extramarital affair during their marriage. Infidelity causes intense emotional pain, anger, disbelief, fear, guilt, and shame. But an affair doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage.

While not every relationship can or should recover from an affair, understanding how a relationship can be rebuilt after an affair is essential. Counseling is a key component to recovering from an affair.

Forms of Infidelity

Infidelity takes many forms. Some people have sequential affairs—a series of one-night stands or short affairs. These affairs involve very little emotional investment and may be rationalized as "harmless."

Some affairs last longer and become more serious. These affairs may be quite romantic and sexual. Sometimes they grow into more serious relationships and may last for years.

Other affairs are emotional affairs. Emotional affairs exclude physical intimacy and often these types of relationships are more devastating to a committed relationship than a "one night stand."

Five common mistakes that can lead to emotional infidelity:

Couples spend too much emotional energy on people outside their marriage: friends, siblings, parents, and even children.

Couples keep an emotional distance (fear of intimacy may exist) because they don't want to need their partners too much.

Couples don't consider how their past affects their current relationship.

Couples don't make time for the marriage.

Couples no longer focus on their partnership after children are born.

Why Affairs Happen

Infidelity happens for many reasons. Here are a few of the common explanations:

An affair may be a response to a crisis such as the death of someone important, moving to a new city, a job change, or some other kind of life transition.

Sometimes people become bored with their partners and seek sexual or emotional excitement with someone new. The new person seems to supply the excitement that has been missing.

Stressful times in the family life cycle lead some to seek escape in an affair. This includes things like taking care of aging parents, raising teenagers, and becoming new parents.

People sometimes look for outside relationships because their expectations of marriage have not been satisfied.

Some people seek outside relationships when their partners are emotionally unavailable.

Other people begin affairs because they seek more affection than their partner can provide.

Factors exist in our society that lead many of us to expect a fantasy version of marriage that could never really exist. When marriage doesn’t live up to this expectation, some of us keep looking
for it outside of marriage.

Common Reactions to Infidelity

People who are involved in relationships in which their partner has been unfaithful say they have a wide range of reactions. These are a few of the common ones:

A physical reaction, such as feeling like you have been punched in the stomach.
Denying that anything is wrong.
Blaming yourself (I didn’t pay enough attention to her; I wasn’t sexy enough for him; I let myself get too fat, etc.).
Blaming your partner (I can’t believe anything she says).
Blaming the relationship (We were too young; we were wrong for each other; we had different values, etc.).
Blaming the lover (It’s his entire fault; if it weren’t for him...); transferring anger from one’s spouse to one’s lover.

Recovery Strategies

Even though infidelity has a devastating impact on marriages, many do survive. Let’s look at what it takes for a relationship to recover.

If You Were Unfaithful

If you had the affair and want to save your marriage:

Stop the affair, this includes any and all interaction and communication with the lover.
Determine your shared goal. If you both decide on the goal of reconciliation, it is critical to understand that recovering the marriage will take time, energy and commitment.
If your partner has discovered the affair, understand your partner’s need to ask questions and understand what happened.
Spend plenty of time with your family.
See a couple’s counselor.
Act transparently. Expect to reassure your partner of your commitment to the marriage through words and actions.
Listen carefully to your partner and accept his or her feelings and thoughts.
Take responsibility for your choice to have an affair.

If Your Partner Was Unfaithful

If your partner had the affair and you want to save your marriage:

Acknowledge your anger and express it productively.
Be aware of distorted thoughts that may fuel your anger.
Watch out for negative beliefs that may make it harder for you to heal your relationship.
Find a way to explore and express your feelings, such as writing in a journal or working with a professional therapist.
Explore the advantages and disadvantages of saving your marriage.

Prevention Steps

Finally, here are some practices you can use to protect your marriage and keep it from running head on into a divorce.

Pay attention to your partner. Be aware of his or her needs and do your best to meet them.
Think about how you behaved when you were trying to win your partner over. Do the same things now.
Enter into counseling. Look for opportunities to talk and listen.
Be thoughtful and romantic. Send cards, flowers, and gifts.
Avoid high-risk situations. Discuss these with your partner and ask him or her to do the same.
Be polite to your partner. Say nice things about your partner, in public and in private.
Spend regular private time together.
Greet your partner when he or she comes home. Show that you are glad to see your partner. Be energized and pleasant.
Recommit to your values. Make the decision to live in keeping with what you believe is right.
Accept that you are responsible for your own well being.

While recovering from the affair--give it time, allow each other time to heal and understand. Practice forgiveness, it isn’t likely to come quickly or easily...it usually is a lifelong process. Recommit to your future, what you are going through is emotionally devastating, often this is an opportunity to rebuild a stronger and healthier relationship.

Top Ten Tips on Managing the Stress in Your Life

2008-10-24T05:03:00.003-07:00

10. Acceptance

This includes the ability to accept and cope with setbacks. Ask yourself "How do I let myself make mistakes"?

9. Sense of humor

Humor creates lighter atmosphere and helps to put things into proper perspective. Can you laugh at yourself?

8. Social support

A solid support system is at the core of effective stress management. Look for opportunities to spend more time with people and in situations that make you feel good. Look for ways to increase time with them.

7. Create a non-toxic environment

Some people and situations have a toxic effect on you. If you can, limit the amount of time you spend with them. Take a look at your home or work environment and ask yourself "Is it chaos or calm here"?

6. Sleep routine

Create a sanctuary in your bedroom. Keep your bed for sleeping.
Read in a chair
Remove TV
No eating in bed
Set a bedtime that allows for 7-9 hours of sleep per night and stick to it.

5. Manage the conflict in your relationships

Identify the sources of stress in your relationships. Write about them in a journal. Make a list of people who cause you stress and explore what the issues are.

Resolve the underlying issues. For each of the situations identified in step 1, assess what steps you could take to resolve the conflict. Make a list and design a plan to improve the situation.

Learn skills to improve relationships. Relationship skills are learned. We are not born knowing how to get along well with others, and most of us learned only limited skills from our parents. You can learn these skills by reading a book, taking a class, or working with a counselor.

4. Mini-breaks

Schedule 5-10 minute periods to relax during the day.

3. Low stress eating

A healthy body is better equipped to handle the stresses in life, and good nutrition is the foundation of good health.
Cut back on fats
Limit caffeine
Avoid too much sugar
Eat a variety of foods
Eat slowly
Concentrate on eating
Eat frequent and calm meals
Drink in moderation

2. Regular exercise

The human body was designed to be physically active. However, many of us are inactive for a large portion of the day. Exercise is one of the simplest and most effective ways to respond to stress. Activity provides a natural release for the body during its fight-or-flight state (stress response) of arousal. After exercising, the body returns to its normal state of equilibrium, and one feels relaxed and refreshed.

1.Breathing awareness

Remember to breathe! Most of us hold our breath when we feel stressed. The lack of oxygen going to the brain causes an increased stress response.

Breathing Exercise: Breath Counting

Get comfortable. Look at a clock and for 30 seconds and count the number of breaths you take. During the next 30 seconds try to decrease the number of breaths by two. So, if you took six breaths take four. The next 30 seconds decrease the number of breaths by two. Notice your breathing slowing down, your body relaxing, and your mind calming. Make sure and do this exercise at least 3-4 times per day.

Top Ten Tips on Managing the Stress in Your Life

2008-10-24T05:03:00.002-07:00

Stress, Stress, Stress!!! Part II

2008-10-20T10:55:00.000-07:00

Everyone experiences stress in different ways. Stress can manifest itself in both physical and psychological symptoms. Below is a checklist of some of the most common symptoms.

Which ones apply to you?

Physical Symptoms:

Headaches (migraine or tension)
Backaches
Tight muscles, muscle cramps
Neck and shoulder pain
Jaw tension
Nervous stomach
Nausea
Poor sleep
Fatigue, lack of energy
Diarrhea
Teeth grinding
Digestive upsets
Heart beats rapidly or pounds, even at rest
Appetite change

Psychological Symptoms:

Anxiety
Depression
Confusion or "spaciness"
Irrational fears, feelings of helplessness
Compulsive behavior
Forgetfulness
Feeling "overloaded" or "overwhelmed"
Feeling you can’t slow down
Mood swings
Loneliness
Problems with relationships
Unhappy with work
Frequent irritability
Frequent guilt
Temper flare-up
Crying spells

Evaluate your stress level as follows:

Number of items checked and Stress level

0 – 4 Low
4 – 8 Moderate
8 – 12 High
12 – 18 Very High

Stress Observation Journal

While stress plays a role in everyday life, most of us are not aware of our day to day reactions to stress. Certain types of stressful events often produce characteristic symptoms. The first step towards stress management is awareness.

Keeping a journal for at least 10 days can provide you with a wealth of information and even more beneficial, some direction about the specific steps you can take to manage the stress in your everyday life.

Write: Time, Stressful Event, and Symptom at the top of a piece of paper. Make at least 5 entries at different points of the day. Ask yourself "What is my stress level?" "What am I doing or thinking in reaction to this stress?" Writing it down allows you to gain perspective and understand patterns that contribute to a high level of stress.

Getting to know how you handle stress is the first step towards handling stress in more effective ways.

Next time I'll be writing about the top ten best ways to manage stress.

Stress! Stress!! Stress!! What causes all of this stress?

2008-09-30T08:39:00.000-07:00

War...politics...the current financial crisis...we all are feeling stressed, you cannot avoid it, it is a commonplace fact of life. It is caused by the need to adapt to the many changes that we are confronted with in our day to day lives. How you react to these experiences determines the impact stress will have on your life.

Stress has become a factor in our culture in the last 20 years because of things that were originally designed to make life less stressful. Conveniences such as ATM machines, cell phones, microwave ovens, and fax machines have made life easier in many ways, but they also have woven an expectation of instant gratification into our culture. And this causes stress.

Top Ten Stressful Life Events

10.Retirement
9.Marital problems
8.Being fired from work
7.Marriage
6.Personal injury or illness
5.Death of close family member
4.Birth of a child
3.Financial conflict or hardship
2.Divorce
1.Death of a spouse

Most of experience stress from four basic sources:

1.Environment

Facing too many distractions
Traffic
Pollution
Noise

2. Social Stresses

Email
Vague or confusing expectations
Having to do unpleasant tasks
Deadlines

3. Physiological

Poor nutrition
Being sick
Not getting enough sleep
Not enough time to relax

4. Thoughts or Beliefs

"Always" and "Never" thinking
Catastrophic interpretations of your experiences
The assumption those things are "done" to you
"Should", "Must", and "Ought": Absolute thinking

Letting Go of the Past, Part 3

2008-09-22T05:20:00.000-07:00

What to Do about Unfinished Business

If you want to move beyond the events in the past that are keeping you stuck—your unfinished business—you will need to acknowledge them and tell the truth about them.

Taking action is not the only option; sometimes just writing or talking about it is enough to begin letting go of the past. You can write about it in a private journal or talk about it with a trusted friend or counselor. Here are some places to look for your unfinished business:

Risks I should have taken
People I treated badly
People who treated me badly
Something I did to someone
Not doing something I should have done
Messes I need to clean up (literally and metaphorically)
Belongings I should throw away
Possessions I want to buy for my home
Goods I want to buy for myself
Things I need but haven’t allowed myself to have
Projects I have started but have not finished
Projects I want to start
Behavior I want to change
Behavior I want to stop doing
Who I choose to be
Qualities I want to possess
Experiences I want to have
Statements I want to make
Feelings I have not expressed
Secrets I don’t want to keep any longer

Letting go of the past is a process. Give your self-some time to actively let go and learn. Try using some affirmations before you are even ready to let go and act "as if" until you can let go.

Affirmations for Letting Go

An affirmation is a strong positive statement that something is already so. It is a way of "making firm" that which you are imagining. It helps replace your negative thoughts with positive ones.

I meet all obstacles with love and understanding.
I heal past hurts by replacing them with loving thoughts.
I have everything I need to enjoy the here and now.
Everything I need is already within me.

Letting Go of the Past, Part 2

2008-09-19T05:05:00.000-07:00

Widespread Regret

Regret is an emotion that feels similar to depression or sadness. It also feels like guilt, but it isn’t the same thing. Sometimes a wave of regret seems to come out of nowhere. You might become aware of it when you lose something or someone, or when you meet someone from your past. It is a common feeling in our culture for several reasons.

1. We have too many choices.

Since we have so many options, there are many more opportunities to regret the paths we didn’t take.

Example: When Linda was a senior at a major university, she interviewed with over 30 companies on campus. She was offered jobs in three different cities and had a difficult time choosing. In the end, she moved to Los Angeles and began an executive training program in a large company. A few years later, she began to wonder whether she had made the wrong choice. She thought she might have been better off in Chicago, which had been her second choice. The regret leaves her feeling stuck and dissatisfied.

2. Endless possibilities.

Another factor causing many of us to feel regret is that in the American culture, there is a belief that life has no limits. Our culture has an insatiable appetite for new experiences, adventure, and newness. When faced with the reality that certain things will not work out or change, we find it hard to accept.

Example: Karen has turned 45. She has never married and has no children. She has always believed that "There is always tomorrow" and "I have plenty of time to make my mark." But now, realizing that she may never be a mother and probably won’t be the CEO of her company, she is feeling like life has passed her by.

3. Not enough self guided, clear direction.

Along with all of these options, our lives have become confusing because there are few guidelines for what choices we should make.

Example #1: Most women who have children struggle with the choices of what role employment should play in their lives, and many women feel like they made the wrong choice. Options include staying home with the children, working full-time at a demanding profession, or choosing a less demanding or part-time job.

Example #2: Many people feel compelled to continue on the ladder of success as long as they are being rewarded for it. When work becomes demanding and is no longer fun, it is hard to turn down promotions and pay increases in favor of less demanding, more satisfying work. People feel locked in to their career tracks and don’t know how to get off the treadmill.

4. We value self-sufficiency.

Our American culture has always valued independence. Somehow, we all get the message that it is better if we achieve our goals on our own, without the help of anyone else. The problem is that when we cannot accept support from others, we become isolated. Living a completely self-sufficient life violates the basic human need for affiliation.

Example: Mat’s mother, Sarah, is 68. She is a widow and lives alone in an apartment in Chicago. Matt left Chicago after finishing college and now lives in Florida. Sarah’s friends are gradually moving to Florida, too. Matt has urged Sarah to move to a nearby condominium, and has even taken her to see a few of them. She resists, saying that she doesn’t want to be a burden.

Meanwhile, Sarah is becoming increasingly isolated and depressed. She sits in her Chicago apartment and remembers the sunny condo she saw in Miami a few years back. She is filled with regret but won’t change her mind. She feels like she has no choice but to remain independent and self-sufficient.

5. Instant gratification.

Many people escape the pressures of daily life through drugs and alcohol. There are messages everywhere suggesting that we use alcohol and drugs to relax, escape, have fun, and be sexy. When this becomes a lifestyle, it often results in consequences that one can only regret: drunk driving, accidents, death and injury, relationship problems, poor attendance at work, or being fired.

6. Constant comparisons.

When we compare our lives with others, it’s easy to feel regret. Most of us expect ourselves to have it all together. We learn to act as if we are in control and compare ourselves with our friends, coworkers, neighbors, and the characters on television. When we don’t look as good as they do, we feel like failures. We have a list of "shoulds" inside our heads—things we expect ourselves to be able to do.

Letting Go of the Past

2008-09-17T06:57:00.000-07:00

Regrets...mistakes... bad choices...things you wish you had said or done...things you wish you hadn’t. Letting go of your past can be one of the hardest things you'll ever do. At times those memories of the past may come flooding forward and start to take over the present.

Our past helps to define us and to some extent we are all held back by our unfinished business. We may regret the choices we have made or feel guilty about past actions. As long as guilt and regret are not resolved, it is difficult to move forward.

What does letting go of your past mean?

Letting go of your past means accepting that there's nothing you can do to change the past. Letting go of your past means forgiving yourself for your mistakes. Letting go of your past means being aware of your thoughts. Letting go of your past means learning about yourself from the life experiences you have.Letting go of your past means making new connections with people.

7 Crucial Conversations for Couples

2008-04-22T07:45:00.000-07:00

7 Crucial Conversations for Couples

It is no secret that love relationships change over time...so how does this effect the topics couples need to be talking about? Healthy couples talk about many subjects during the life span of their relationship and the content of those conversations change from when you are dating to the senior years of your relationship.

In a recent study, the topics of couples’ conversations where categorized into 13 categories (in order of frequency):

Self-report
Observation
Life history
Story telling
TV/Movie Talk
Partner’s experiences
Miscellaneous information
Household task talk
Humor
Plans
Narratives
Positive comments
Conflict

Stages of Romantic Relationships

Love relationships, like people, undergo stages of development. During each stage, positive factors sway partners toward maintaining and strengthening their relationship while the negative factors at any stage contribute to its deterioration.

The five stages are (1) attraction, (2) romance, (3) passion, (4) intimacy, and (5) commitment.

Stage 1. ATTRACTION - a positive response to a person beyond friendship. This can further be broken down into two areas: physical attraction and emotional attraction.

Stage 2. ROMANCE - an act of trying to influence or gain favor of another by pursuing their attention. There are two type of romance: selfish romance (pursuing a romance for purely self serving reasons such as getting gifts, sexual favors, or trying to impress someone else) and selfless romance (romantic acts for the enjoyment and pleasure of your partner).

In all stages you have these choices:

1. To Continue moving forward

2. To Stagnate

3. To Slow down

4. To Exit

Selfish romance and love will quickly die out. Selfless romance and love will thrive. Because romance is an "act," many couples who have been together a long time take it for granted. With a conscious effort, it can be rekindled.

Stage 3. PASSION - a desire for another person, which has grown to intensity that can't be ignored. This is often where an emotional relationship turns into a physical relationship. The passion stage is very important. From here the couple must decide which path to take. The relationship will either burn itself out or will move onto the next stage.

Stage 4. INTIMACY - a close relationship with another person of the deepest nature. In an evolving process, you share you thoughts, your feelings, and your dreams. If you cannot establish intimacy with your partner, your relationship may work for a while, but is unlikely to endure throughout the years.

Stage 5. COMMITMENT - a promise to maintain and protect the "contract" of your relationship with your partner. These are the spoken and unspoken limits and boundaries that surround your relationship. Commitment is easy when times are good and extremely difficult when times are bad.

7 Crucial Conversations for Dating Couples

While you are dating someone your main focus is to learn if you are compatible. During that time your task is to decide if you can live with their life views. There may not be any right and wrong views, but views and values that you would not be able to handle. For each person this is different. Below are 7 crucial conversations to have while you are dating:

How do you feel about ex-lovers being friends?

What is your 1-year, 3-year, and 5 year career
plans/goals?

How close are you to your family? What is your relationship like with your Mother and Father?

What are your religious views?

What are your views towards handling money?

Do we like and respect each other’s friends? Do we have the same idea about together time and alone time?

Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect or need?

7 Crucial Conversations for
Engaged or Newly Committed Couples

If you're angry about something how will you let me know?

If you were having problems would you talk it out or keep it inside?

Would you ever consider going to counseling?

Have we discussed whether or not to have children and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver? When will we plan on having children?

Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving blend?

Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

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7 Crucial Conversations for
Recently Married or Committed Couples

Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

What does my family do that annoys you? What are the limits and boundaries we are going to set with our families?

What are the most likely conflicts to cause problems in our marriage?

How will we manage the problems that arise?

Are there couples you look up to? What do you respect about their marriages?

What are the qualities you see in your partner that made you want to marry him/her?

Describe the marriage of your dreams. What do you think you need to do as a couple to get from where you are to where you need to be?

In what ways have you attempted to communicate love and appreciation to your spouse?

7 Crucial Conversations for
Couples Married or Committed
5 to 10 Years

Describe how your marriage has changed over the years.

What do you see as the strengths of your marriage? What do you see as the weaknesses of your marriage?

How do we make time for each other? What gets in the way of connecting with each other?

What are your dreams or wishes for me, for you, the kids, your career, family, etc.? Where do you want to be in 5 years? 10 years? 20 years?

As if it were a person not a thing, how would you describe your relationship with money?

In what ways have you mindfully attempted to communicate love and appreciation to your spouse?

What needs have I given up trying to get met by my spouse? What are the needs that my spouse meets does meet for me that keep me in this relationship? What are you convinced you couldn’t live without?

7 Crucial Conversations for
Empty Nest Couples

So what kind of an empty-nest parent will you be?

How much control and influence should we try to maintain with our adult children?

How much do you want to help them financially?

What do we want to do, as a couple that will keep us from going in separate directions?

Describe the marriage of your dreams. What do you think you need to do as a couple to get from where you are to where you need to be?

What are your unspoken dreams? How can you share in my dreams?

What are you convinced you couldn’t live without?

In what ways have you attempted to communicate love and appreciation to your spouse?

Stage 6. ENDING. Ending can be the final stage of any relationship. It takes a conscious effort to prevent a deteriorating relationship from ending.

For example, people who continue to find some sources of happiness, who are committed to maintaining the relationship, or who believe they will eventually be able to overcome their problems are more likely to invest what they must to prevent the breakdown.

Relationships fall apart when partners find little gratification in the union, when other, more interested, partners are available, or when couples are not committed to saving the relationship.

What will prevent or slow down the deterioration is putting time and energy into your relationship. What you value, you spend time on. Give the relationship a reasonable opportunity to improve. If you've made it this far, why give up? Listen to each other, be willing to give and take, and remember why you got together in the first place.